


Drugs Inc.

by Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Bathroom Adventure, Death, Death Threats, Drugs, Drunkenness, Dumpster dive, F/M, Hangover, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, Kinda Crack, Meat Addiction, Minor Character Death, Out of Character, Own Character, Prostitute, Public Nudity, Self-Conscious, Sex, Sorry (I'm not sorry) Nintendo, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Wedding & Banquet, What Was I Thinking?, Which direction was this story going anyway?, old story, super powers, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 13:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4102348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero/pseuds/Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Link has been sent to the real world along with the other Smashers. However, this hero has let himself go. The hero of legend puts on a happy face while around his friends, but is suffering his own turmoil, unlike any of his quests. Through odd means, Link becomes a part of the sleepy drug underworld, where the glamour is just a clever facade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Party

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story a few years ago. I was trying to rewrite it, but something completely different came out instead. Hope ya like it anyway. I have some bad news... I discontinued this. But I've been thinking of continuing it. So don't say I didn't warn you. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for reading. Enjoy :D!
> 
> PS. I know there is a show called Drugs Inc. I'm just really uninspired when it comes to making titles.
> 
> IMPORTANT: This is from Link's POV.

I was at a bachelor party which, was being held in a strip club (typical). Mario was crying his eyes out, realizing this was his last night to be single. I don't know why he decided to marry Peach if he didn't really love her, he said something about being pressured into making a family. I told him his idea was an unhealthy way to approach a relationship and that it would end in shambles in a few months time. However my luck with girls wasn't any better. Every now and then I would have a fling with an otherworlder... Well in actuality, we Smashers were sent to an alternate dimension where our worlds are only games. It was pretty shocking inducing and most of the Smashers, friends and enemies alike banded together to face the threat of the encroaching "real world". In the beginning we were all noobs at technology and only had a faint grasp of how to control a TV (I'm embarrassed to say but we destroyed the first TV we saw)... Going back to what I mentioned before, I never seemed to last with anyone. The girl who I truly wanted was always out if my grasp; Zelda. It was funny because I had to stop calling her Princess Zelda, in this world the title princess doesn't hold much weight.

Trying to forget my worries, I had tossed my designated driver duty in the trash (not that can drive anyway that is) and drank beer like it was ambrosia. I shed away my inhibitions, as a lazy smile crept onto my face. I threw my hat off my head and the gloves came off. Ordinarily I would be much too self-conscious took take those precious items off. When my ears were visible, people would have mixed feelings... here are a few I can recall:

One: "Are your ears deformed? Were you in some freak accident?"

Two: "Are you a Yoda fan? OMG me too!"

Three: "Are you an elf? A fairy of some sort?" (STFU Tingle) (Honestly I'm confused myself. I've been called an elf before so...)

Four: "Into body modification? Cool dude."

I was born with these damn pointy ears.

I hide my hands because not only do they have a crazy amount of scars but, there's also the dark mark of the Triforce on my left hand. Zelda told me it doesn't glow because I haven't unlocked my true power.

God I've changed. Being thrown out of Master Hand's grasp has thoroughly transformed me. I rarely ever think my heroism from the past, now the only thought occupying my mind is my menial job at a fast food joint. Never do I reflect on what it was like in Hyrule. Although I feel faintly homesick, I've been enlightened and I know I do not want to go back. Horses or cars? The latter sounds better. It's a hundred years too early for Hyrule to have some sort of invention revolution. I wonder if Master Hand will ever come for us.

Since tonight was the last night for Mario to live before he has to marry a nagging bitch, I decided to put on a show. I scanned the crowd and saw a few familiar faces but I couldn't seem to find Kirby anywhere. It was strange because Kirby would randomly vanish without a trace. That alone was feat in itself because he was fat blob, that made a bunch of cutesie noises.

I stood up on my table and began singing lines from, "My Heroine" a song by Silverstein, " _I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself. I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else._ " When I finished, everyone was clapping. I was surprised because I didn't think anyone would be able to hear me over the discordant music blasting out of the speakers. However, I noticed that the DJ had turned the music off. I guess I was a good singer when I was wasted. I don't think my kind gesture was taken well by Mario who was fuming, probably seething with jealousy. I found him in the throng of Smashers and blew him a kiss. He growled and shook in anger which only added to my glee.

I wanted to do something hella crazy, so I eyed the strippers to decide which one to take home. I got up on the performing platform when I saw one I really liked. She had light brown hair, green eyes, and and a body that just wouldn't quit.

"This is the one," I said to myself.

I took out out my ocarina and started playing. Sure enough Epona responded to the melody and broke through the window.

"This is my car." I grunted, my vision beginning to blur along with my voice starting slur.

"That's a horse." the stripper objected.

"Let's go," I whispered, grabbing her wrist.

Next thing I knew I was getting my ass hauled off by security. The guys threw me into a dumpster and one growled,"Don't show your face here again dumbass!"

I easily could have fought them off, but I was  **WAY** too drunk. I felt my head getting woozier and lost my battle against sleep.


	2. Wedding Crashers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the reason Zelda and Link aren't a couple yet is because, when Link gets drunk he is totally obnoxious. Honestly, if you were Zelda wouldn't you get pissed if Link picked up any girl? Well whatever. I'm just babbling nonsense. Thanks for reading! Have fun :)

The next morning I awoke in the dumpster. The shrill cries of a baby had startled me into the waking world. My head hurt like hell; my hangover was already killing me. I didn't know if I'd be able to last all day. My mood immediately soured realizing that no one had cared enough to look for me.

 _That dipshit Kirby left me in the trash! Some friend he is. When I get my hands on him I'm going to clobber him,_ I thought as I rose from my stinky tomb.

Getting out of the dumpster, I realized that I was naked...

_WHAT THE FUCK?! How did I end up naked?!_

I snarled, this day was already off to a fantastic start.

"Get a job!", an old hooker screeched at the baby.

Taking one glance at me the old hooker murmured under her breath,"Bum."

I was pissed. This wench had the nerve to be calling me names.

"Shut the fuck up." I hissed curtly,"At least I'm not some old bitch who has to sell her saggy body. Get the fuck out of my sight."

The hooker was silenced. I looked across the street at a CVS for the time... 8:30 Fuck. The wedding was going to start at 9:00!

I broke into a run, only mildly worried that people would see my junk. I heard people gasp and some mothers cover their children's eyes.

When I arrived at my apartment I heaved a rock at a window. When there was a satisfying sprinkle of shattered glass, I entered. The broken glass slightly grazed my skin.

_Thank God, I live on the first floor. I'm going to steal shit from Mario's wedding to fix my busted ass window._

I took a record short shower and got into my stupid tuxedo. I hated formal clothing, all of it was way too stiff for me (after all, I am a country bumpkin). I sprinted out the door.

My old hero skills come in handy when I running late to work. If I'm in a good mood sometimes I do parkour.

I ran like a madman, jumping over cars, barreling past people who shouted,"Hey!" or "Watch where you're going!", and doing backflips over trash bins.

Arriving at the church, I slammed the doors open and sat next to Zelda and Kirby.

"Kirby where the fuc-" I wheezed, still trying to catch my breath.

"Link where were you?" Zelda asked.

My anger softened. No way could I let Zelda see me have a tantrum. I would kill Kirby later.

"Let's just say I had an eventful morning."

Zelda nodded her understanding.

Suddenly it hit me that I had forgotten my hat and gloves, I was going to get a lot of unwanted attention.

Sure enough I felt everyone's eyes boring into me, and I was melting under the pressure. Not only had I arrived late and a sweaty mess, but I had also was vulnerable. The wretched mark was in full view.

The ceremony began. Mario was marrying Peach, which was like marrying an angry polar bear. Peach was an emotional rollercoaster who never had any real clue what she really wanted.

Again, the church doors abruptly hurled open to reveal King Dedede in distress. Before, King Dedede was Kirby's arch-nemesis, however now the two were putting their differences aside.

King Dedede clutched his chest and threw a ball of paper at Kirby, which he caught.

King Dedede screamed and fell to the ground.

I jumped over the pews and checked his pulse. Dedede was **dead**. He smelled of poison. This was a scene straight out of those shitty detective shows.

I looked to Kirby who seemed taken aback by something.

"What?" I asked.

The Triforce gleamed brilliantly on my hand.

"Link, did you know your eyes are glowing gold?" Mario asked, still standing at the altar.

I sniffed King Dedede again and he smelled horrible not only because he had shat his pants but there was a distinct underlying odor.  **Evil.**

"Ganondorf." I said for all to hear.

Some Smashers gulped, a certain anxiety now evident among us. We all knew that Ganondorf was up to no good as always, however this time we were powerless to stop him. Ganondorf could've changed his ways but instead decided to go rogue.

I tried to dismiss the idea, I didn't want to scare everyone. But I knew I was on to something.

Kirby's face was pale as he handed me the piece of paper. It read:

Dear Kirby,

                 I've sent the fat bird into the church. He's been poisoned by-you guessed it-ME! If you don't want to end up like the bird, then I

                 suggest you stop your business. Otherwise I'll find you and **kill** you. This is your final warning.

                                                                                                                                                                           -G

"What business is he talking about?", I asked.

Kirby murmured in my ear,"Drug business."

I was bewildered because up until now, I hadn't known that Kirby could speak in full coherent sentences. I was astounded at what he had told me.

_Kirby's in the drug business?! No way! But the proof is that death threat!_

"Why didn't you tell me?!" I screamed.

"I didn't see the reason. I didn't want to get you involved because it's dangerous." he mumbled.

I squeezed Kirby's fat blob body in my hands.

"Hello Mr. Link~<3 I have a letter for you! I think it's weird that you don't have a last name and blah, blah, blah." a voice said.

I turned lighting fast and saw the Postman.

"Not now you Tingle reject! Although I agree that my name is strange, you're one to talk since you don't have an actual name."

The Postman replied,"You're right. I don't have a name. Now I shall tell my sad story of woe-"

"SHUT UP! I'm trying to have a conversation with my friend so do me a favor and... JUMP OFF A DAMN CLIFF!"

The Postman cringed and ran away. I turned my attention back to Kirby, who was giving a sheepish smile and shivering in my grasp.

"Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do about it?"

In a low voice he said," I want you to help me."

"How? Become a drug dealer?" I grumbled.

"No. I just want you to protect me from Ganondorf. You've fought him a couple of times right? If my business goes under, I'll be broke and Ganondorf will take over the world."

I snapped,"So what? You just want to use me. How could Ganondorf use drugs to take over the world?! Why should I trust you? Tell me everything you bastard!"

Everyone froze. I realized that my outburst had scared a few people...

"We'll talk about this later." I turned back to the spectators,  "I'm sorry everyone. I have no idea what happened just now. Let's proceed with the wedding."

All the rage in me dissipated and the Triforce on my hand darkened.

I sat back on the pew along with Kirby.

The wedding continued without any other mishaps. When Mario and Peach said their "I do's" everyone cheered and threw rice (but no one stayed behind to clean up).

When they kissed a warm feeling settled in my gut, _Ew. Am I getting lovesick because of these dopes snogging?_

The newlyweds left in a pimped out Barbie limo which would lead the rest of us to the banquet hall.

Everyone rushed out of their seats as soon as Mario and Peach had left. Meta Knight was left with the burden of giving King Dedede a improvised/ghetto burial.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
